Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
