Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Boobs are out for the taking
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize