I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
