Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Randomize
