I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Rumble strips road head = magical
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
Randomize
