Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize