anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
