In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
