Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
