I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
