So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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