Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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