Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
