Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
