Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
