you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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