So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
It's never too late to be topless.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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