so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
