Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
