splinters make it hard to masturbate
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
