I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
