Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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