did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
