Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
