$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
