Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
