Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Never underestimate the power of titties
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