Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Randomize
