Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Randomize