1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
