Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
