He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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