would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
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