Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
