I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
