The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
The uberlube is also flammable
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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