why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
40s are totally the cure
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
