Where is the hickey?
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Randomize
