I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize