Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
