Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
