I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
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