Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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