Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
