upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Randomize
