Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
