last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
It's shark week go big or go home
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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