i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
