I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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