Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
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