I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
