i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
