Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
