Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Randomize
