Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Randomize
