He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
