Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
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