Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize