Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
