Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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