Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
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