saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
