She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
