I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
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