i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
