So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
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